Does she come with a gift receipt?

It’s a gift.

You were the one chosen for this.

This is meant to be.

You are exactly where you’re meant to be.

Special needs parents hear these all the time. What a load of absolute garbage. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t want this. It’s somehow a gift that I’m still standing after living in crisis mode and shouldering ambiguous grief for 15 years? I’m somehow better equipped? A better person?

I have my podcasts that I love, On Being, Everything Happens, Wiser than Me, Poetry Unbound. But the other day, I thought, huh, I wonder if there are good ones for parents of kids with special needs and complicated diagnoses? I quickly found the highest rated one that was seemingly secular. I was a little hesitant after the intro but thought I’d give the first episode a listen. And there was good stuff in there. But towards the end, the cliches came out, and I stopped listening. It became obvious from the tone and the tropes - if you’re a white, middle-class woman with tons of friends and family nearby and little to no career aspirations of your own, then gees, what an amazing person you’ll be by becoming a special needs mom!!

This is not to say that I haven’t learned and grown from being Arya’s mom. I have. I mean, just about every part of my life has changed. But it’s not a “blessing.” I’ve just made a point of extracting what lessons I’ve been able to, in order to make meaning of the whole situation. And that’s the whole point, right? Meaning isn’t imposed by circumstance; we exist to make meaning or not, and that choice is entirely up to each of us.