It started when she was little with learning apps. I was desperate to find something that she was actually interested in, that would teach her something, that I scoured for learning apps and downloaded anything that I thought might engage her. Back then, I would actively participate when she was using the apps.
From there, it progressed to watching TV shows on the iPad. Educational ones, of course. Super Why, Ni Hao Kai-lan, Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Dora the Explorer. She lost interest in those and found Iron Maiden. Fine with me. Culture. My favorite kind. But, when she was about seven, she found the YouTube channels of those parents and kids that open toys and go on adventures, with the express purpose of selling shit.
I’m so fucking conflicted about it though. On the one hand, it seems like she’s not watching but actually participating. She asks questions about the people, talks to them, and I think that watching the same videos over and over gives her comfort and security – she knows they’re always there and always the same. At the same time, I get a break from the same questions, same activities, same everything, every day. Except that she asks me about the people in the videos? Where do they live? Where did they get those shoes from? Are they real? And, I want to go to their house. I want to see them at Disney. I can ignore the questions though and after a while, she quietly returns to the videos. Periodically, I have to search for some specific video but that’s okay if I can get some time to work.
On the other hand, she always wants the shit that’s in the videos, so she has more crap than I could have ever imagined. But, it makes her so happy when she has the same toys that are in a video! But seriously, she spends hours and hours every day watching these videos. I mean, it’s her only interaction with people other than us and her teacher and therapists (and half of those are on the computer now anyway). The interaction is completely one-sided, but her interactions with her peers have always been and always will be strange.
So, yeah, I feel shitty that she talks to videos more than she talks to real people, sometimes including me. But, it has become my free time, when I can do what I want to do, sometimes for a few hours at a time. I hope this will change after the pandemic, when we can get back out and do stuff and see real people.